So I am trying to keep my blog updated and even be as open as I used to be, but it's hard.  Mostly because I know most people reading this aren't happy with my decision to get divorced.  Let's face it, most people on here are Josh's family and friends and even though I have grown to like and love them like my own family and friends I just don't feel they are still going to like me.  especially after we are split legally.  I say legally because as of now we are split.  We still live in the same house but basically as roommates and mostly friends, but nothing more.

I am starting to realize that this divorce is mostly my fault.  For the last 3 years we have had problems and I have done nothing to fix them.  I have let my problems with his family affect the way I feel about him and mostly I haven't tried to stay in love.  I know most older and religious people think we should work harder to make it work and all that, but at this point in my life I can't pretend anymore.  I miss Oregon most of all and being somewhere that makes me unhappy just makes everything else worse.

Since my last post I have been thinking about all my choices and decisions.  First I can either stay in Utah or go to Oregon.  This is the first decision I must make.  As much as I hate to say it, I really think I am going to Oregon.  It will just be easier for me to start my life over.  Because in a sense I am going to have to start over.  No more stay at home mom. No more relying on someone to be there to help and support me.  I mean I will have my parents and sisters, but I won't have someone to be there when i have a bad day or get stressed. I have someone to just hold me and tell me things will be okay.  But really for the past 2 years I haven't had that either.

So I guess I could still change my mind, but most likely I won't.  I have a tentative plan set up for when I get to Oregon and that's what I am going to stick with. In either place I can look for a regular job and in the mean time take my hair bows/ flowers and tutus and even bracelets to second hand stores and boutiques and sell them there.  I could even get a booth at the Saturday market in either Portland or Eugene.  It just seems more feasable to do that sort o thing up in Oregon rather than Utah. 

So that's my update on this.  I know I considered staying in Utah, but after thinking the logistics through I realized it is not the best option for me.  I know that I sound selfish and I should think about how the kids will feel, but honestly I have thought about that a lot and I think they would be better off with a happy mom. 

I guess now I have to figure out the whole who gets the kids when and such.  Not something I am looking forward because I know it will make for a bunch of fights, but we both have to face reality.