I am soo tired of being an emotional wreck.  I don't know what I am doing with my life.  I feel like I am making a huge mistake, but I am doing what Josh wants.  He doesn't want to stay married, but I can't stay here in Utah and be a single parent.  So I have to move back to Oregon and knowing that I am going to be back in Oregon makes me feel a lil bit safer, but being a single parent scares the shit out of me.

But no matter what happens I know I still love Josh even if it isn't in the same way.  He has helped me grow in so many ways and him just getting me out of my comfort zone even for a while has helped me in ways he will never know.  I am hoping I can be strong and continue growing and maturing, but part of me just wants to curl up in a ball and disappear.  Part of me just wishes September would be here tomorrow and the other part hopes it'll never come. 

I just wonder if I will ever get that chance to me be happy and in love.  But for now just having my kids will have to be enough.  I just miss having someone tell me everything is gonna be okay.  I just miss his Always and Forever.  And it doesn't help that we are still living together so I have the constant reminder of what I am giving up and losing.