I am soo tired of being an emotional wreck.  I don't know what I am doing with my life.  I feel like I am making a huge mistake, but I am doing what Josh wants.  He doesn't want to stay married, but I can't stay here in Utah and be a single parent.  So I have to move back to Oregon and knowing that I am going to be back in Oregon makes me feel a lil bit safer, but being a single parent scares the shit out of me.

But no matter what happens I know I still love Josh even if it isn't in the same way.  He has helped me grow in so many ways and him just getting me out of my comfort zone even for a while has helped me in ways he will never know.  I am hoping I can be strong and continue growing and maturing, but part of me just wants to curl up in a ball and disappear.  Part of me just wishes September would be here tomorrow and the other part hopes it'll never come. 

I just wonder if I will ever get that chance to me be happy and in love.  But for now just having my kids will have to be enough.  I just miss having someone tell me everything is gonna be okay.  I just miss his Always and Forever.  And it doesn't help that we are still living together so I have the constant reminder of what I am giving up and losing.

So I am thinking I may have been convinced a lil bit to change my option on what to do when I get to Oregon.  My original plan was to live with my sister and get out and look for a job and in the mean time try and sell my hair bows.  But since my lil sister called this morning I think she has convinced me of my other option.

My other option would be living with my parents and working at the store.  I have always liked this option because I thought they could use the help and they have an extra room.  Well when me coming to Oregon became a reality my mom was none too enthusiastic about me staying with them.  But the reality is, my dad is getting old.  His feet are getting soo bad he can't handle walking much more.  It is hard to know that my dad is getting old because everyone thinks of their parents as invincible and my dad has always had this tough guy "just walk it off" attitude.  So for him to be admitting the pain he is having means it must be 10 times worse than any of us really know. 

So tonight after my phone call with my mom I think my plan may be changing a lil bit.  Plus I still can get out and sell my hair bows and items while living there and could even put them up in the store and sell them there.  I am just hoping my mom and I can get along well enough when discussing this sorta thing tonight. 

Here's keeping my fingers crossed....

So I am trying to keep my blog updated and even be as open as I used to be, but it's hard.  Mostly because I know most people reading this aren't happy with my decision to get divorced.  Let's face it, most people on here are Josh's family and friends and even though I have grown to like and love them like my own family and friends I just don't feel they are still going to like me.  especially after we are split legally.  I say legally because as of now we are split.  We still live in the same house but basically as roommates and mostly friends, but nothing more.

I am starting to realize that this divorce is mostly my fault.  For the last 3 years we have had problems and I have done nothing to fix them.  I have let my problems with his family affect the way I feel about him and mostly I haven't tried to stay in love.  I know most older and religious people think we should work harder to make it work and all that, but at this point in my life I can't pretend anymore.  I miss Oregon most of all and being somewhere that makes me unhappy just makes everything else worse.

Since my last post I have been thinking about all my choices and decisions.  First I can either stay in Utah or go to Oregon.  This is the first decision I must make.  As much as I hate to say it, I really think I am going to Oregon.  It will just be easier for me to start my life over.  Because in a sense I am going to have to start over.  No more stay at home mom. No more relying on someone to be there to help and support me.  I mean I will have my parents and sisters, but I won't have someone to be there when i have a bad day or get stressed. I have someone to just hold me and tell me things will be okay.  But really for the past 2 years I haven't had that either.

So I guess I could still change my mind, but most likely I won't.  I have a tentative plan set up for when I get to Oregon and that's what I am going to stick with. In either place I can look for a regular job and in the mean time take my hair bows/ flowers and tutus and even bracelets to second hand stores and boutiques and sell them there.  I could even get a booth at the Saturday market in either Portland or Eugene.  It just seems more feasable to do that sort o thing up in Oregon rather than Utah. 

So that's my update on this.  I know I considered staying in Utah, but after thinking the logistics through I realized it is not the best option for me.  I know that I sound selfish and I should think about how the kids will feel, but honestly I have thought about that a lot and I think they would be better off with a happy mom. 

I guess now I have to figure out the whole who gets the kids when and such.  Not something I am looking forward because I know it will make for a bunch of fights, but we both have to face reality. 

Decisions Decisions

So this past weekend I have made some pretty drastic life altering decisions.  For the past two and a half years Josh and I have not gotten along.  It's sad to say, but unfortunately we are no longer in love with each other.

So come September the kids and I will be moving up to Oregon.  I am going to have to completely change my life.  I will no longer have the opportunity to be a stay at home mom and will now be a single parent.  This probably will shock most of you because most people don't know all the issues and drama that have been consuming my life.  But it is what it is.

This isn't a single person decision either.  Josh and I have both discussed this to great lengths and this is honestly the best thing for us.  I do not want to take his kids from him or his family.  I still very much want them in his life and him in theirs.  Hell he will still be in my life too.  the main thing is we are still great friends, but we are no longer in love with each other.  Most people (outside of Utah) who knew our situation and how we met and how long we knew each other all laughed at me or jumping the gun.  But at that point in my life I was not open to criticism, constructive or not. 

I have grown a lot in these past 4 1/2 years.  With much thanks to Josh.  I wish a magic airy could just make us both fall madly in love with each other again and make us okay with each others faults.  But it's never gonna happen.  And anyone who really knows me knows that Utah does not it my personality.  I used to think I was conservative.  Then I moved to Utah and realized as conservative as I am I am still too liberal for this place.  I like meeting people who are open to new ideas and even if those ideas don't fit them, they still accept that this is who other people are. 

I know I am just rambling now, but hell I am good at that.

But the main point is, in September I will be back in Oregon with my kids.  Josh and I are civilly deciding how everything will work and a schedule for the kids.  Like who gets them when.  And everything will stay civil until one of tries to keep the kids from the other person.  Everyone knows that the gossip around the family is that I am a helicopter mom and over protective and blah blah.  But I also know how much my kids love their parents and to keep them from either would be detrimental to them.

And the reason we are waiting until September is b/c the kids already know they are going to Oregon in September or Aunty Amber's wedding and it will give me a chance to get a game plan in place.  So there you have it.  I probably repeated myself a lot since I wrote half last night and half just now. lol  Any questions just message me either on here, FaceBook or yahoo messenger at princess_buffy_03

Just SOOO Excited!!!

Miss Talladega Bug is OFFICIALLY potty trained.  After over a year of trying to get her to use the potty and get her accidents under control and bribing her with new toys and taking away toys and tv until she would "earn" them back by using the potty and using sticker charts and The "YAY Jar"  we have finally won the battle.

But I don't really think it was us winning or more like I gave up and just said nothing.  Just cleaned up her stinky accidents and hoped that one day she would just want to use the potty.  I was at a loss.  Then about 2 1/2 weeks ago she just started using the potty.  It was right around the time we got our little wading pool for the yard.  Maybe she decided she didn't want to have accidents in her swim suits or even in her pool.  But whatever the change was, it was definitely welcomed adn celebrated.  It's almost like a light bulb went on in her head and she wanted to be a big girl.

I am just soo proud.  I guess it was my first real challenge with Dega and it most likely won't be my last.  I now understand when I see old kids (like 3 and 4) in diapers.  Sometimes, it's not the parenting and it is just a stubborn kid.  And although I never reverted back to diapers (except when she would get a stomach bug) I now have sympathy for the parents of stubborn kids.

While gettting advice from my mom  she told me that every kid is different.  Boy is that the truth.  She said I was the easiest to potty train and my older sister was just like Dega and was very stubborn and took the longest to potty train.  My mom got her potty trained by making her clean herself up.  I tried that.  For over two months.  It solved nothing and Dega eventually got used to it and it never even phased her.

But now I can celebrate that I only have one kid in diapers and hope and think positive thoughts that Bristol will be the complete opposite of his sister and be potty trained before his third birthday. lol  ( Dega is about to have her 4th birthday next month. )

Secrets

Don't you hate it when you have a secret that is soo exciting, can you can't tell anyone?    I don't know why people tell me secrets anymore either.  I am the worst secret keeper.  I mean I can keep a secret sometimes, but not usually.I give my self a week to keep this current one.  Unless telling Dega counts.  If that counts, then I lasted about 2 minutes MAX.  

I just enjoy sharing things with people.  Literally seconds after taking pregnancy tests I am on the phone and at the computer blabbing to everyone I know.  So it's hard keeping other people's secrets.  But I am flattered when they share their secrets with me.  

Okay I am gonna end this post before I accidentally blab the secret that caused this post to begin with.

My thoughts on my next childbirth

So I have been doing a lot of thinking lately.  Mostly about the process of having my last two kids and my wishes for my next one, if I have another.

With both of my kids I was induced about 4 days before my "due date."  I never have had natural contractions and never labored on my own.  It has all been a process that my doctor was in control of.  At the time that was what I wanted.  With Bristol I only was in labor for 5 hours and after two pushes he was out.

It was pretty easy adn that's exactly how I wanted it.  But in all honesty I kinda missed enjoying the feeling of being in labor (not that labor feels good) But it's just a feeling I have missed out on.  When I look back on that day, it feels rushed.  In fact there are no pictures of me in labor and none of me holding him right away until about 8 or 9 that night. 

Then I have been thinking about how when my sister was pregnant and she had a midwife and my sister in law's birth with her mom as her midwife.  I told my little sister that I would never use a midwife because I trust my doctor too much.  Which is true, I do trust my doctor, but lately I have been changing my mind.  It's probably from watching Camille's experience (not hte actually birth I was in the other room) but it seemed so peaceful.  To be able to be in a home setting and not have all the sterile hospital crap.  Also her kids were there.  They didn't have to be quiet and she didn't have to worry about her kids distracting other people.  It was all about her.  It's not like there was someone else in the next room having a baby and bringing their own miracle into the world.

So I have decided that my next child, I want to have naturally and not in a hospital.  I want to use a midwife and a doula and get to enjoy holding my baby while it's still attached to the cord.  Still attached to me.  I want that personal close experience.  I really believe that I can handle the pain on my own.  And after hearing about the lady who had a midwife (Camille's mom) and delivered two healthy 9 pound babies.  At the same time.  Hospitals will barely let you attempt to deliver twins on your own let alone 9 pound babies.  That's 18 pounds of baby.  It's just amazing to me.  And I get kinda jealous when I think about it or hear about it.  I want to try to have a baby using my womanly abilities.  I want that feeling that I can do this on my own.  Maybe that is why I have been such and avid breast feeder. I like the feeling that it is the one thing that only the mom can do.  Moms are meant to nourish their babies and I love that I have been able to that successful with both kids.

So that's my thoughts on that.  I know that right now I am no where near ready to have another baby.  But I am sure there will be a time when Josh and I can work out all our personal issues and both of our kids will be using the potty all the time with no accidents and then it will be the right time.  When that day comes, I want to use a midwife to have my baby.  I know what I have always said and I am the first to admit that I will now eat my words.  I guess I have had a chance to grow and learn both sides and make a decision.  And this is my current decision. 

Busy Week

So over this past week we have been quite busy.   The first part of the week was business as usual.  Just the kids and I staying home and enjoying the sunshine.  Then on Wednesday our washing machine decided to break.  So we are now without a way to wash our clothes until we can afford a new machine or get this one fixed.

Then on Friday the kids and I got up early and walked to the library for our first ever La Leche League meeting.  We went with Teresa and her new baby Breelynn.  It was lots of fun and I met lots of really nice ladies.  But at times I almost feel like maybe it's too easy for me to breastfeed, if that's possible.  I just have never really had troubles with it.

Then Saturday it ended up raining all day.  Then when it stopped raining Josh, the kids and I went out in the backyard to pick weeds.  Pretty much since we moved in we have had a crappy backyard.  It's a nice size and all but it's too rocky to plant grass and covered in weeds and burrs everywhere.  I am the kind of person who never wears shoes.  Shoes and me just don't get along.  So my prickly backyard just plain sucks. 
So in a couple hours on Saturday and a few more on Sunday we got the majority of the yard done.  I am hoping that soon we will be able to get rid of the weeds fully and maybe even plant grass.

Then come Monday we are back to our boring selves.  But after going to the LLL class has really got me thinking about if and when I have another kid.  But I will write about that in its own post.

First trip to the ER for Bristol

Well I know people say that boys are more accident prone than girls and that it is normal for boys to have bumps and bruises and what not.  Well for me that has always just been another reason I didn't want to have any boys.
So Bristol made it almost 18 months without having an accident serious enough to warrant a trip to the doctors.  Until yesterday that is.
Yesterday started like a typical day.  Josh wanted to use his new weed eater int eh backyard to continue trying to get our yard in nice shape for the kids to play.  So while he worked on the weeds the kids played in the sand box and I was in my office working on scrapbook swaps.  Then I decided to go sit out there with the kids.

As I was sitting in the doorway in the backyard watching the kids Bristol came over and gave me one of his slobbery kisses and went back to playing.  What I didn't notice was instead of walking back to the sandbox he went and sat in an ant pile.
After about 10 minutes he stands up crying.  That's when I noticed where he was standing.  I screamed for Josh to come help me while I picked him up and started brushing off ants and pulling off clothes, all the while still screaming for Josh to come help.  He was on his way, but I don't think I quit screaming until he was right next to me. 

My baby boy was covered head to toe with red ants, all biting him and holding on for dear life.  I has trying to pull them all off and brush and the ones still crawling before tehy had a chance to bite.  After we got all his clothes off and stripped his diaper we noticed that he was also poopy.  So I was running through the house looking for wet wipes while Josh carried Bristol around at arms length trying to not get poop on anything.  The poor boy was screaming at this point.  I can only imagine what he was thinking.  He was in horrible pain and his daddy wouldnt cuddle him.  Of course the wet wipes were no where to be found so we just put him in the tub and rinsed him off. 
As soon as he was rinsed I scooped him up to cuddle him while josh got a diaper.  He immediately wanted to nurse away the pain and I let him while I called my mom's store.  Of course I never call in the middle of the day so when my sister answered she asked what was the matter.  I told her Bristol was attacked by ants and I needed to talk to mom.  So now they were all in panic mode as they have no idea how bad it is.  I asked my mom what I should give him to soothe the bites and take away the pain.
Of course I had nothing in my house for the pain.  I gave him some tylenol and had josh start making a baking soda paste.  Then I told my mom I would call her later and let her know what happens.  Over the next few minutes Bristol just kept screaming and crying in pain.  Trying to nurse one minute and the next squirming on the floor crying.  The whole time Josh is asking me if we need to take him to the ER.  i really didn't think it was that serious since ant bites are only dangerous if you are allergic.  Of course I don't know if he is allergic and at this point I counted 1 bite on his thigh and around 15 on his neck and upper chest and back. 
Then Dega starts getting scared because her brother was all red and wouldn't stop crying and couldn't even nurse to calm down.  And Josh was still asking if we should take him to the ER.

I am not one to take my kids to the doctor over every bump adn bruise and bite.  Mostly because it's just a waste of money, but at this point we weren't going to be able to soothe bubba and I thought maybe they would know what medicines would help adn soothe him at this point.  First we made a quick call to Camille to get a natural remedy for bites and hopefully avoid the ER.  No answer.  Most likely they were in church, so I told Josh just to go, take him to the ER and I would keep Dega calm at the house.

I felt like I was sending my boy off to war.  Part of me wanted to go, but knew it would just be chaos with Bristol not able to stop crying and getting Dega all worked up.  So I stayed home and turned to the internet to try and soothe my mind.  No such luck.  I called my mom and let her know what we decided to do and then called my sister and let her husband know.  I basically just needed to talk to someone so I wouldn't sit and freak out. 

Josh thought they were fire ants and I don't know the difference between regular red ants and fire ants.  After using my Swagbucks toolbar to search ant bites I just got more nervous.  Josh called and told me to call his parents for him.  I could barely hear him over our screaming baby.  Everytime he called i got to feeling worse.  My baby was uncosoleable and I wasn't even there for moral support for my boys.
I eventually found Josh's parent's number and put aside my phone anxiety and called them.  I was shaking the whole time, not sure if I had the right number, not sure what to say, not sure who would answer.  But I made it through the phone call and then just sat back and waited.

I still had no idea how Bristol was doing.  If he needed medicine or if he was allergic.  What if the recalled tylenol I gave him made him worse?  What if I gave him the wrong dose.  What ifs consumed my mind.  All the while Dega sat contently watching cartoons.

After about two hours Josh finally pulled up to the house.  I was out the door and to the car before he had a chance to turn off the engine.  I looked into the back seat and Bristol's carseat was EMPTY!!!!  Panic set in AGAIN.  Josh gets out of teh car and I ask where is Bristol.  He said he was in Dega's seat because it was easier to put him in.  Instead of lecturing him about teh saftey of the straps I just opened the door and scooped up my sleeping boy.  He looked soo bad with his rash around his neck and his exhausted look on his face.  I just went and sat down with him and stared at him.  I didnt want to let him go.  I felt so guilty that he sat in the ant hill for that long and that I didn't move him.  If I hadn't went out there he would have stayed in the sand box with Dega and never would ahve went near the ants.

As all the guilt started to over come me, Bristol woke up just enough to want to nurse and start pulling at my shirt.  I gave in and he nursed for an hour before drifting back to sleep.  I finally felt it was okay to let him sleep in his bed rather than my arms and set him down.  At this point Dega realized Bubba was home and just wanted to wake him up and make sure he was happy. LOL I told her to let him sleep.

After a 3 hour nap he woke up and acted like he did every other day.  He went and joined sister in the wading pool and they played in the pool on and off for the next four hours.  Over that time his rash started fading out and he wasn't even grabbing at his neck anymore.

This morning he woke up with no trace of the bites.  If you didn't know better you would have no idea he was attacked by ants and spent the afternoon in the ER yesterday.  Dega says it's becuase the popsicles healed him to feel better.  MMKAY!! Whatever you say silly girl.

It's been a while!!

So it has been about a year since I have blogged.  I haven't even used my myspace blog or even journaled.  For a while I was keeping a journal in a group on cafemom.com and then the next thing I know that group has all but died and the new owner of the group went and deleted the journal forum.  Thanks a lot!  I had some nice posts I wanted to keep, but can't now.  Oh well.

So I have decided I do need a place to keep a journal and blog.  So this as good a place as any.  I will try to keep this on a positive note, but as my previous blog readers know I like to keep it honest.  sometimes the truth isnt pretty.  So be warned. 

If you are looking for a sugar coated version of what's going on in our life, then just call me b/c my blog will not be sugar coated.

So enjoy!